|Lightheaded by Christophe Kiciak|
You know that feeling when you are so close to being awake, but at the same time the laws and logic of the dream world still have dominion over your brain?
It's a moment when everything seems so real that you go through the movements of a normal routine in a way that makes you think, "Oh I'm awake now." But you're really not.
This happens to me way more often than I would like. But it isn't always "normal." In fact it is pretty damn weird what I think at those times is absolutely ordinary. The things that I take for granted are clear indicators that I am not actually awake. But I don't notice them until my eyes are truly open.
My latest adventure in the land of the damned included: a shower, my siblings, a creepy doll and nakedness.... Oh yeah aren't you curious now...
So in this world where I am always convinced I am awake, the world takes a Tim Burton-ish lighting. Everything is just darker. This particular time, I apparently needed to take a shower. And I chose the shower near the entrance of the house, across from the front door and my brothers room in a - surprise, suprise- dark corner. It was a shower stall in the small entrance hall with either a small or see-through door. At times the door disappeared all together.
For some reason my sister entered the shower, fully-clothed, when I had already had the water running. I don't remember feeling any water throughout the entire dream. She came in, turned off the water as she looked for something, naturally I got angry and decided to kick her out as I turned the water back on.
I pushed both my sister and brother (he just appeared) out of the shower and told them to leave. Now!
|"the doll that was again alone and instead of having it's head on top of its neck, he was holding it high in his little plastic hand, with a tiny but distinct smile."|
But as they start to leave I see that my brother had left a plastic doll on a table outside his room. It is one of those baby plastic dolls that have eyes that never blink. Dolls in general tend to freak me out in the waking world and purgatory-me felt no different. So as they start to leave I start to panic slightly. "Wait," I call out to them. But they are already gone.
I know that I'm going to start seeing things for some reason. My brain partly realizes that I'm in that space between asleep and awake and that strange things are about to happen.
I blinked. The doll moved. "Caro!" I call out my sister's name.
I blinked. Another doll in a sailor dress appears, kissing the original doll on the cheek. "Come back!" I yell again.
I know that what I'm seeing in front of my own eyes isn't real. But it still scares me and I don't want to see it anymore.
Now at this moment, remember, I am in a shower stall whose water wasn't falling anymore. I'm supposed to be naked but I don't feel cold or wet, or even naked. But I know I'm not clothed. None of that is out of the ordinary. What is, is the doll that was again alone and instead of having it's head on top of its neck, he was holding it high in his little plastic hand, with a tiny but distinct smile.
"Please! COME HERE!" I need my siblings to come back.
They finally start to head back towards me. I can't see them just yet but I can hear them. And that's when I start to panic yet again. I'm going to see them coming in a minute but I won't know if it's really them. I'm going to see things again, I just know it.
They start to hurry and I see them right in front of me. But it's too quick, so I know it's not really them. I won't know when the real them will arrive. I have a sock in my hand, a dark colored, wet sock that I use to swipe at the imposters.
I know I'm hallucinating. I see these fakes but my brother and sister won't. How will I know when they arrive? What will they see? While I am swiping at the concerned looking but still very threatening forms that I'm positive don't exist, my real siblings burst through. I know it's them because of their clothes. Their clothes are what matter, not their faces...
My hallucinations disappear and I am back to reality. My parents arrive as well and they show their concern. My Dad comments how it sometimes happens to him as well. He understands the panic and fear. A colleague of my dad's work also arrives, wondering what happened.
I feel thankful and relieved. Then the people I know to be real start to leave.
As they disperse I know that the second they leave my sense of reality will break again. I'll start seeing strange things all over again. So I force my eyes open...
I'm in bed, in the room that I am currently sharing with my sister. My eyelids still heavy and tired, but I know that if I close them I would fall back into the same situation. So instead I asses what just happened and wonder why I didn't realize it was a real dream from the beginning. So many things didn't make sense.
I answer my own question, "I thought it was normal."
As I feel the events that happened trickle our of my consciousness, I repeat them to myself. Over, and over again. I hold on to it as hard as I can.
"I have to write this down. If only to share a little bit of my weirdness with the world."
I can't be the only one.